I am Restless

I've often pondered as to why it is so difficult for me to let my emotions show through crying. I do not know if it stems from my childhood or the fact that I view crying as weakness, but as a female, it is something that should happen significantly more often than what I have been doing. I am someone who does a very good job of hiding the emotions I feel until I can take no more and an eruption occurs. This is not healthy. I've had talks with my sisters and roommates, who seem to cry at least once a day, and they both agreed that it is important for females to cry because it releases endorphins and even though it seems silly to me, it helps you feel better.

I can honestly say that I have tried to make myself cry to no avail. Something unfortunate would happen, either with an occasional misdemeanor with a friend or a family issue, and I’d literally sit on my bed and make crying faces but nothing would come from these impeccably fortified tear resistant eyes.

I realized last night, after meditating alone on the subject for a significant portion of the day, that I am guilty of having the tendency to have a heart of stone.

I was sitting on my living room couch, surfing the Internet, mostly on Facebook, when I decided to listen to some music on Spotify. Now, I simply love this music player. It has basically every song ever recorded and you can listen as much and as many times as you wish, absolutely for FREE. My kind of music.

Whilst on this site, I decided to listen to Audrey Assad because I was in rather of a depressed mood and I was desperate for some uplifting music. My roommates were all gone and I was alone, contemplating my life and my resistance to crying. It was then when I played the song, Restless, from Audrey’s 2010 album The House You’re Building. It was about two lines into the song when I felt the Holy Spirit speaking to me. In an instant, tears welled up in my eyes and I realized that not only have I been living with a heart of stone, but I was ignoring the Holy Spirit who is the great comforter. Ezekiel 36:26 says, “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh” (ESV, 2001). In my feeble attempt to be a “strong” person, I was unwittingly showing how weak I truly am. I often pride myself in saying how much of a peaceful person I am. That does not mean I should feel nothing when bad things happen! Instead of relying on the fact that God loved me so much that he sent his only son to save me, I was beginning to rely on my own self-composure. There is nothing in myself that could give me peace. It’s Christ’s sacrifice alone that gives me joy and comfort in this troubled world. 

God doesn’t want me to show the world how easy it is for me to be an unresponsive, uncaring shell of a person. He doesn’t want me to ignore the bad things that go on. It is okay for me to show emotion, that doesn’t mean I don’t trust in Him. When a person cries out to God it shows that they are relying and believing in Him to take care of things, even when those things may seem unfavorable from our distorted perspective. 

It was after this that I realized that most of the crying that I have ever done is in church. I would hide my emotions in everyday life, just to wait until Sunday morning when the Holy Spirit would convict me of my sin. I need to rely on him in every way and not only on Sunday mornings in church. God sent the Holy Spirit to be with us always. This means in school, at work, and every minute of every day throughout the week! He longs to dwell within us. Growing up, I had a very strong foundation with knowing that the Lord loved me and that he wants a relationship with me. As time goes on though, and things change in your life, you can often forget those things that once seemed so clear. I am thankful for the Holy Spirit and his gentle reminders to me. I am a broken person who does nothing good apart from Christ. I know that I fail every day. My heart has been a stone. It may take a while, but I know that He will never leave nor forsake me. He’s been working on me and will continue to break my heart until it’s ready for His use.

Twelve hours later, and my eyes have not been dry yet. Praise the Lord!

"Restless"

You dwell in the songs that we are singing,
Rising to the Heavens, rising to Your heart, Your heart.
Our praises filling up the spaces
In between our frailty and everything You are
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
Oh God, I wanna rest in You

Oh, speak now for my soul is listening
Say that You have saved me, whisper in the dark, the dark.
'Cause I know You're more than my salvation
Without you I am hopeless, tell me who You are
You are the keeper of my heart
You are the keeper of my heart

And I'm restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You
I am restless, I'm restless

'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh
I wanna rest in You

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

Still my heart, hold me close
Let me hear, a still small voice
Let it grow, let it rise
Into a shout, into a cry

And I am restless, I'm restless
'Til I rest in You, let me rest in You
And I am restless, so restless
'Til I rest in You, 'til I rest in You, Oh God
Let me rest in You.